“A kind of light spread out from her. And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid any more.”
-John Steinbeck, East of Eden
I can’t quite say when it began, because perhaps it started and paused several times before I truly woke up. I can recall glimpses– moments of being in total flow– but they were fleeting, and then dormant. For a year.
During this year, I quickly manifested everything I thought I wanted: a high-paying job at a bank, a group of “successful” friends who got together regularly, a wealthy boyfriend who was chivalrous enough. A fancy convertible. An enviable San Francisco apartment. Sounds good, right?
I remember periods of time, being out at a bar or a party, where I found myself pretending to have fun. I’m not sure I realized this at the time. I was forever concerned that these “friends” were talking about me behind my back, and about each other. I’m certain now that they were. The truth was, I didn’t belong there. I think we could all feel it. It wasn’t my tribe. They value flashy cars and money and drugs above most other things and I could feel my stomach churning. I was physically exhausted by the toxic energy I was absorbing day in and day out. And the boyfriend– we were from different planets. Maybe literally. Eventually, I couldn’t understand him at all, we couldn’t understand each other. The walls were closing in on me– how did I get here? How did this happen? Every day, I made choices that lifted me further off my path.
I looked around– I scanned my life– searching for an ounce of my own soul. I could remember a time when I was happy. But now– there were no synchronicities. I had to fight to keep everything together. And I felt so flat. A whisper creeped into my consciousness, quietly at first, but the more I ignored it, the louder it became.
I began to meditate more deeply. I began to listen. I started to have crystal clear visions of a different life, my life, so real I could almost touch it.
Within two weeks, my relationship fell apart, and with that went most of the friends. Instead of being sad– I felt a literal weight lifted off of my shoulders. I felt that I had enough space to move, to breathe, to be myself.
I began to feel an expiration date on my job. I began to slowly voice this to close friends– I could feel the plates shifting beneath my feet. Finally one night, a night of particularly deep prayer and meditation, I gave the green light. I said, out loud, “I’m ready to go big. Bring it on.”
Two days later, the energy at work changed. A stock price drop rattled the executives and I saw it– clearly. I wasn’t meant to stay. I began to pack up my desk and take home my belongings (thoroughly freaking out my colleagues).
I knew what was coming.
The following Monday, it happened– I lost my job and I gained everything. I look back on my departure from the bank and I see that’s where this really began, when I jumped off the cliff (or got kicked off, really) and discovered I could fly.
No longer feeling chained to a life to San Francisco, I left for an already-planned Vacation to Australia with no intention of returning. I wasn’t running– I felt free, and knew I would benefit from a full separation from my old life to build something entirely new.
Every single day since has felt like a dream– from the places to the people to the opportunities and outpouring of love I’ve received. I allowed my higher self to take charge and as soon as I let go of that in my life which was wrong with me, everything that was right came rushing in– like it had been waiting in the wings all along.
I stretch and grow daily.
I meditate, I do yoga, I go where I am guided. I don’t make decisions from a place of fear– I can’t afford to anymore. It’s too irresponsible for me, I know I’m meant to be in a place of service, to serve as a guide in the transformation of others.
I’ve lined up with at least a part of my life’s purpose, my life’s work, though this will continue to evolve forever. It’s my mission to help others heal and grow. I can’t go back, I can’t go back to sleep– it’s the only thing that feels right. Now, the world looks different. It interacts with me differently. Struggle is a choice, and I’m no longer choosing it.
Love over fear.